I have been hurt by harsh words and broken promises for what feels like my whole life. Not from anyone person in particular because it seems like I have encountered these evils at every stage of my life.
Am I exaggerating?
Most likely I am, but still I hurt and feel broken over a words and actions that caused me to rethink my importance in the lives of those around me. Certain that everyone has been in a position when they wonder if they are good enough or smart enough I often wonder if I am worthy of affection.
Faced with a lifetime of accepting other's faults I know there have been times when someone else has accepted my own shortcomings. I know that am emotional and withdrawn, but I believe that I am a good person willing to make those around her happy. I know that I have been a good friend and there is nothing I would not do for the ones I love.
Why do I feel like there is no one that would do the same for me? I am not speaking of tangible things like gifts and grand gestures, it is the intangible items I desire. Acceptance, loyalty, and unconditional love. A simple message that I am thought of and appreciated.
Feeling sorry for myself is not helping the situation although it is something I continue to do. There is a part of me that wants to just pretend like nothing happened, it is a small part, but it is there. I wonder what makes the words "I'm sorry" so hard to say. Is it admitting you are wrong or foolish pride?
And what if those two words don't make it go away? Do we pretend that everything is fine and continue to blow sunshine from our asses?
I don't have all the answers (yeah I know it preposterous to imagine that I don't) and I am not sure that having them with solve anything. Knowing that life is about making decisions and sometimes the lines are blurred with history, nothing is black and white anymore.
The mind rules the heart in my case and I am content with that because I am not sure how much more my heart can handle.
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