Is it a Swan or Phoenix?

What a shame it is to not know who you really are. Even more when you have lived close to 40 years. One would think you would have figured that out during your 30's, but if you didn't then 40 seems like a great place to start. 

Faced with the reality that what you want to be was squashed down by others agendas, opinions, and your own fear. Silence became your friend and indifference set in. Easier to agree than disagree, willing to compromise what makes you happy for another happiness. 

The issue with this is no one is really happy. With life, with each other, with anything. Resentment creeps into the cracks and destroys what was left. 

And here I am left standing with my future ahead of me. A blank canvas. Ready and hungry to find out who I am, the person I'm meant to be. The best person I can be. Watch out world here I come! 

Take this journey with me friends...I promise you laughter, mistakes, tears, and sarcastic witty comments. 

Why I'm always late.

Life has a funny way of telling time. 

As a child we clambered through our days with lead in our shoes wondering if we'd ever be older, the days could be any longer, or if we would ever hit that next milestone sooner. 

As we aged we barely noticed the transition of the time. The annoyance of waiting was less obvious distracted by school, hobbies, and fiends. Days appeared shorter, as we tried to pack them full of all the things we needed to experience. Minutes went by easier. We suddenly found ourselves sitting on the edge of being a child and adult, so eager and ready. They told us to not rush it, but did we listen? 

We received education in colleges and on the streets. Fell in love and experienced hate. Saw the world outside the fences of our safety nets, but they warned us that time would creep up onus. 

Before we know it we are adults. Parents, partners, employees and we had responsibilities that tied us down. Distracted by mortgages, taxes, careers, and parent-teacher meetings. To be responsible you have to be diligent and keep your head down avoid distraction, and time keeps ticking away. 

We wake up one day with aches in our bones and the realization that we are older. Our parents are grandparents and they look it. Words like high blood pressure, diabetes, and cancer begin to scare you. You read the Sunday paper and always glance in the obituaries. 

Loss becomes real when you watch your father take his last breath and you know that you can never again take a deep one again. 

Year by year, and sometimes sooner we lose ones we know or love. Time keeping ticking and it's pace seems faster than ever. We think about our family and friends always thinking to ourselves, "I need to reconnect".

You think of the petty grudges and fights had with family. Understanding the insignificance, but do they? 

This past weekend I went to a bridal shower for a beautiful woman I watched grow from a child. I also attended the calling hours of my aunt whom was a large part of my childhood and today is her funeral. 

Two events couldn't be farther apart, but both left me with tears in my eyes. 

Time is a wicked bitch, she fools you and makes you think it's been only a bit. In reality your life has flown by and you have wasted your time on the wrong people.

Take time to reconnect with your loved ones, the ones who are worth it. Don't let time get in your way. She waits for no one.  

Don't poke the bear or splash me with that bucket of water.

Drama is someone's way of covering up their own insecurities. Of this I'm certain. Like a smoke screen to cover up the flaws of inadequacies and self esteem. 

Think of the mighty Wizard of Oz. He hid behind the velvet curtain covering up his stout body and reddened face from the brave quartet willing to take on the Wicked Witch for a heart, a brain, courage, and a return trip home. He pulled and pushed levers forcing fire from a apparition to create a false appearance of the reality of the true Wizard of Oz. He used fear to force the hand of our brave yellow brick road travelers to capture the broom to meet his own agenda. That my friends is my interpretation and theory behind  L. Frank Baum's Wizard in comparison to the modern day bitches of society. 

Drama is just that. A tale, a fabrication, a falsity made to create diversion to the actual truth. It could be yelling or crying. A pity party of 'oh me' or a guilt trip. Either way it is not something I enjoy or want to participate in. 

I prefer to live in reality. Reality is tough but without the velvet curtain and smoke screens it's the truth I deserve without the theatrics because I am not a coward, have a brain and heart, and there is no place like home. No drama needed there. 

Sometimes you get blocked.

It could be your thoughts or actions.  Maybe it is a time constraint or a physical action keeping you from something.  Either way it has been a very long time since I have been here.   I can't lie and say I did not think about blogging because I did all the time.

Either way, I am here now with ready to start again with my cathartic writings of absurdity and obscenity for the few followers I love so much.  I have grown over the past year as we all hope to do and I look forward to sharing my stories with you.

Some days I may post some "poetry", if you will, or maybe something that is on mind.  I may talk about something from my past or present.  Either way I just hope the block goes away.  I hate the block that keeps me from being able to express my inner thoughts.

Always,

Jamie

Been too long since I have posted........

Minimize my feelings,

Shrink down my thoughts,

Hold in my words.

 

Spinning on a board of red and black while you aim

your prejudicial arrows and pernicious daggers at me.

 

Sentence me, bound and gagged, placed in line at the gallows.

For I am a prisoner of the war that has no end.

-----So it has been way too long since I have posted, actually just over a year.  I thought I would break the ice with some words I have been writing over that time frame.  I am trying to get back into blogging again to help relieve some mental pressure, for myself and for anyone who likes to read it.

Always,

Jamie

I am

I am nothing. Small. Minuscule. I am the root of all problems. I am the cause of all conflict. I am lazy. Unsuccessful. Emotional liability. I am negative. I am foul. Guilt ridden. Unforgivable. I am full of doubt. Unable to move forward. I am a living voodoo doll just stab me anywhere and watch me wince. There's no pain. I want all your sharp words and accusations. I am the shoulders to bear the weight of it all. I am the reason and the blame. I am the albatross around your neck. My words can only be heard if written for the ones that are spoken are lost upon deaf ears. I am unable to be loved unconditionally. I am a disgrace. I am invisible. Ignored. Indifferent.

I am lost. Searching for reasons that I will never find. I know how the lost souls feel. I understand the dark. I am.

My gift to me.

It's an amazing thing what a birthday reminds you of. I think about my life and where it has taken me, about those people who have changed my lives, and the obstacles I may or may not have overcome.

In my life so far I like to think that I have made some sort of impact as others have done for me. There have been so many influential people that have taught me the life lessons along the way. For them I am very grateful.

I am also reminded that I chose the path along the way. There is no one to blame for where I am except for me. It's very easy to place blame and at times of weakness I wanted to point my finger at others. But I pulled up my big girl panties and dealt with it. Besides, where I am is not bad at all and I made each decision to be here.

I look at each obstacle as a lesson. Try to be the best person for my friends and family. Live each day the best I can.

I know I can't make everyone happy but making myself happy is important.

I am thankful for everyone who supports my dreams, is there when I need a friend, and loves me without expectations. Without you I would be a fraction of who I am today.