I am insecure. 

It is really a simple description of myself.  Most of you know it is true.  I confessed this secret out loud today, and ever since then it has scared the fuck out of me.

I wish I could remember when this first happened, when I first felt unattached from myself, unaware of my emotions,  unable to feel a connection.  I wish I could slap that silly girl, hard.  Make her stop feeling like less than nothing.  Then, just maybe I would be able to function somewhat normally.  But, it did not happen this way, I do feel it.  It has always been there, lurking around the corner, waiting for me to be happy, secure.  BAM! Sucker punch to the heart.  It rises up to any occasion, making me doubt my self worth, my ability, my sanity.

I want to fix myself, but I am too insecure to do it.  What if I try and it does not work?  What if I can not be fixed?  What if it is the way I am wired? 

I am boggled by how much this feeling interferes with my life.  How it makes me doubt who I am, where I am, what I am.  It oozes into my professional life (hehehe, professional??), family life, social life. 

So today I said a prayer, I prayed that maybe I could get some self worth.  Even if it is just a sliver.  I would take stock in those around me.  I will make an effort to tell myself one thing a day that makes me worthy.  I will not wait for someone else to fix me, I will fix myself. 

Now, how do I fix myself???