What If and Which Way

Imagine if life was easy.  We would be able to chose who or what we love, we would not have bad habits, we would drift easily throughout our time here with no worries, no consequences.


The truth is life is hard.  We do not always get to love what or whom we want or even need, we struggle, we say things we do not mean, we make bad decisions.


Have you ever been angry for so long that you forgot what you are actually angry for?  You know that it was something that hurt you, broke you down, but you can not recall the exact moment that sparked the fire.  I have and I do.


I try to remember.  I just recall all the continuous hurt I have been through instead.  It seems like I should know the moment everything changed.  I do not know the moment it all changed.  All my emotions of betrayal and injustice cloud my head and keep me from knowing what has made my house of cards fall.  It scares me, but it also proves to me that I am alive, and I feel.  I am thankful that I still feel.


When do you let it go?  When do throw up your hands and surrender?  What if you surrender and it was the wrong thing to do?  I fear that I am selling out, giving in to the monsters who were set on destroying my self worth.  Were they destroying me or enhancing me?  Was this a test to be better, do better, have better?


And what if....yeah, I said it......what if I chose wrong?  What if I am at fault for my failures?  Is that a risk I am willing to take?


So, tonight, I sit and I ponder.  I think of all I have lost, could lose and consider if there is anything left to gain.  I know I have to make a move and I want it to be the step that conquers the self doubt, that sets me on a path of certainty that makes me better.


And when it is time, I pray that I know what to do and to have the strength to do it.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr